I'm not sure if I'm just happily throwing myself off course for the sake of it, or if I'm so hurt that I'm confused, or it's a combination of the two. For a startlingly long time, I was set on teaching and facing the sunshine of being a great mother, wife, and teacher- all in hypotheticals, of course.
Then, when I got kicked down again- first by some ass I briefly dated, second by my histrionic sister- I felt again like hey. Maybe it's time to grow up. Maybe it's time to stop waiting for other people- because the teaching option is geared towards other people (a family, my students, etc.) and just fuck it and make off for myself.
I mean I'm all for not caring what other people think. Not caring about stupid judgments or the like...but why did I have to face such an extreme test so soon after I picked myself up? To pick a career choice that virtually everyone disapproves of, except my one close friend or two...is nearly unbearable. I long to say "I'm going to law school!" and feel the warmth of people's approval, their pride.
It's not fair. I'm not saying that I'm the shit, but after graduating from college I have learned so much that Mom, Grandpa, Uncle Kenneth, and so many others closest to me have not learned. And that makes me both incredibly lonely, and incredibly frustrated. How am I supposed to build a bridge out of thin air and make them believe that teaching, with all its definitions and complexities and nobilities, is actually a great choice for me?
Freakin sigh.
At least I am feeling a bit more thick skinned.
I don't know.
I miss my best friend. I miss feeling stable, and warm, and safe.
My god. I just realized something.
You know why I haven't felt at home in awhile?
Because that warm, impenetrable, ignorant nest of being a child- of resting on solid ground, of being safe and assured and fine-
it's gone.
I am starving for an equal. But I am both scared and aching to meet him.
